Tuesday, June 12, 2007

How Much Heart Should You Put In?


This is my final post before I start my first exam in about 16 hours times. Wish me luck.

I want to have a look at a question and that is: Just how much heart a person should put into a friendship or relationship?

So let's begin. It would be fair to say that the amount of heart a person place in any friendship or relationship would depend on how well that person understand and trust the person they're placing their heart with. This is a linear relationship - so the greater the trust and understanding, the greater amount of heart and vice versa. In theory, this sounds very well and good. However, we must understand that a friendship or a relationship really begins because both people trust and understand each other and therefore in reality, the amount of heart placed in each case are pretty high - unless both sides recognise the fact that they're just using each other but let's dismiss this third scenario.

At this point, we now must ask one a critical question: Should we place such a high level of heart in the friendship or relationship?

What I mean is that the only thing preventing a person from being heartbroken is really how well the opposite side can take care of your heart. To illustrate what I mean, I will take myself as an example. I pride myself on my high moral values and beliefs. As a result, if I believe a person is worthy of my trust and friendship or relationship, I will put pretty much 100% of my heart into it without a doubt. However, not everyone is like me and while I do trust the opposite side, there is absolutely no guarantee they will not break my heart/let me down. So pretty much this comes down to my critical question: Should we place such a high level of heart?

At this point, it'll be fair to say NO because there is nothing to prevent you from being heartbroken/let down etc except the opposite side.

So we have a dilemma, or reached a crossroad if you like. On one hand, we want to give alot of heart but on another, for the lack of guarantee of that person's values and beliefs, we shouldn't.

So what the heck should we do?

Well, different people will have different answers for this because the amount/level of heart break they have experienced vary - some have been hurt deeply while others have not been hurt at all and will have the 100% heart formula.

1) Some will have the following formulas I believe:

90-95% Defense - 10-5% Heart.

2) Some will have an even more powerful formula which is as follows:

"Fuck you, you ain't getting any of my heart. I am gonna play you so hard and so high so when you fall, you'll experience the same amount of fucking pain I felt you fucking asshole!@#"

3) Some have a combination of both:

"I'll give you some heart just to entice you and see how well you can capture it and treat it. I have been hurt to an extent where I will still give out but it'll be primarily to play you and on the first sign of danger, I'll take it back and hurt you!"

So, it is quite crazy isn't it? Everything just depends on the person you're giving your heart to.... If you have managed to read what I have written and understood, I congratulate you! And if you have done so, you'll want to know my answer to this too.

Me? I feel it is good to take things slowly. Don't give out all your heart but instead test the person you will be giving it to. But don't take it back just because you think it's getting dangerous as you may interpret it wrongly, ask or probe why instead. More importantly, don't be number 1, 2 or 3 because you could have interpret it wrong and seriously damage a true friendship/relationship not to mention the person... But importantly, don't be afraid to give your heart because just sometimes, in a rare twist of fate, you'll just meet a person like me who will treasure, protect and stand by it until the end of time. They say action speaks louder than words, so as time pass by, their actions will show you their true self.

Don't be afraid to communicate because misunderstandings will arise otherwise. Don't be afraid to laugh because life is too short to be so serious. And most importantly don't be afraid to give it another chance because... well... fate has its twists.

One sometimes know it's better to take a less foolhardy approach but sometimes, one simply can't take another other way. I now realise how foolish it is to think you can lock your heart up and stop it from being hurt because you can't.

So we arrive at a conclusion - another attempt at rationalising everything. However, I felt this piece of work is perhaps better than my previous one... Well, sleeping time.


Deadpoolite said...

Hi Shan! Ah the matters of the heart cant live with them cant live without them...it all started simple enough. When I was younger my relationships were always 100% heart 0% sense. As I was getting older the ratio changed accordingly becoming 65% heart 25% defense and 5% hmm there must be another way.

Few more years went by and the right balance was found at last 20% heart, 30% defense and 50% I got an uzi pointed at your face so you dont really have a choice but love me,lol! (just got carried away I am reverting to "good as a kitten" mode as we speak,heh. Hope you see this is a joke really because I got a reputation to protect and all...scouts honour...)

Seriously though, it is a complicated matter. It really depends on the person you got opposite you regardless of the type of relationship. Emotional attachment is a laborious process and it does require effort from both parties involved no doubt about it but when it happens it is a thing to behold (now after this emotional outburst I REALLY need my uzi...lol)

Nice blog you got here and looking forward to your future posts (I'll try to be more restrained next time around, I promise...by the way I just crossed my fingers,heh)!

Be seeing ya and best of luck with your exams!

Getty72 said...

Very interesting post....so what's the answer? I think you summed it up with the word "communication". Something that so many couples don't do so much nowadays. With regards to how much heart one should give away to another, and how soon? Too little, too late or too much, too soon. I guess the question should rather be..."are we happy today?"

Once again, great post...and loads of luck with your exams. I've been in HR for 14 years and have found it very rewarding.

Shan said...

deadpoolite: How true indeed. You have hit up on my thoughts pretty much spot on. Indeed, it is something to value truly when it does happen, one has to give all because it's not about what happens in the future but indeed, what's happening now.

However, a touch of caution never hurts I guess to really have something fall back on when things are tough. P.S. Check my comment on your blog :)

getty72: I've paid a visit to your amazing blog and left a more extensive answer there. But indeed, you are right. I will endeavor to take a more whats happening now approach :)

And thanks for the wishes of luck. Will succeed.

Zhu said...

Good luck on your exams ! ;)

I must admit I don't rationalize too much when it comes to relationship. Basically, whatever happens... and one day I look back and realize the good friends are still there. Feels good.

I agree with you guys, communication is the key, in a couple or with friends.

Amel's Realm said...

Hmmm...for me, when it comes to friendship, especially the ones which I KNOW deep down will last forever, I'll give my heart through and through. I don't think I've ever rationalize the percentage of my heart given to someone. I think sometimes people are too busy to give more than they want to, but that doesn't mean they don't give with all their hearts when they do have time to give to us.

On the contrary, when it comes to love relationship, I always put 100% heart as I expect the other person to do the same. Of course in the end EVERYBODY will disappoint/hurt you one way or another and you WILL do that too. It's just natural.

People love differently, people have different pasts and different wounds, different views...just because you think your way of giving is a form of love doesn't mean that the other person will view it the same way.

Example: Once I commented on my friend's story in a way which I thought would encourage her and would make her feel good about herself and her decision. However, she thought I was mocking her because of her beliefs/views. It's like this: your heaven can be somebody else's hell and vice versa. The same goes for compliments and love, I guess.

Oh I've been hurt before in love. But my heart healed and it could love again in a deeper way. I guess finding the right person helps A LOT.

I think one reason that people can't give with all their hearts is when their love tanks are low or even empty. Then they'll expect others to love them first before they give their love. But when your own love tanks are overflowing, then there's no way you can keep all that love inside you. You'll feel the urge to share it.

Now I'm rambling out of the topic. Oh well...I LOVED the post, though. It made me think. All in all, I always think this way: no matter how big the risk is in giving my heart fully, it's ALWAYS worth it, even when my heart's wounded in the end. I believe in this: It's better to love and be hurt than never to have loved at all.

What kind of legacy do I want to leave on earth? I HOPE I can leave a legacy of love. I know it'll be HARD, but at least I'll do my best to do it until my time on earth's over.

Shan said...

To give all your love and be hurt rather than not to love all.

You know, that, that is an answer I've always wanted to hear. It is just very inspirational to know that in this world, people like that do still exist.

You know, it's fascinating how each of us have our own beliefs. It in a way, shows us just how much our own values and beliefs vary. That in itself shows just how human we are.


Jeff said...

I think it matters whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship. Friendships can be managed more objectively for the most part. You have the throw all the rules out when there is romance involved because your heart seldom listens to your mind in those cases.

Ultimately, you will get out only what you are willing to give in any relationship - and with that, sometimes you get hurt. I agree with amel's realm to that end. It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

I hope your exams are going your way.

t3mp2ess moon said...

The heart is such a fragile thing. To be in love is the most wonderful feeling, and the disappointment that love brings is quite excruciating. And that pain is enough for a person to shut their heart to any possible future disappointment, I know this for sure.

You already know the extent of damage done to my heart. Its gonna be a long time before it will be healed enough for me to let someone have it wholey and completely. But in time I know I will want to give someone my heart, it is my nature to want to care about people. I suppose I'm just waiting for someone that I know will give me their heart in all its entirity and will love me as much as I need them to before I can give them mine.

Anonymous said...

Like any uncharted territory I must seem greatly intriguing.

I don't think you unworthy, I need a moment to deliberate.

Amel's Realm said...

Yep, Shan, you're RIGHT. I also find it FASCINATING to hear VERY different views and beliefs. However, it's MORE fascinating for me to find similarities even when you're halfway around the world from one another, don't you think so?

It REALLY helps to know that someone out there understands you and all that. :-))))

Shan said...

Jeff: You're a new face on my blog so welcome! Like everyone's view, your thoughts are also very true.. One really must throw their heart out in full when they are in love don't they... But, what if the other person is simply playing you and you don't know it? That is a dilemma, or rather a serious question we all must have pondered sometimes.

Amelia: I recall a uni lecturer telling me once that cultures around the world has few similarities (2 I believe) and one of them was love. So yeah, I guess it is interesting isn't it?

Temptress Moon: After pondering so much responses and deleting them, then correcting them, then re-deleting them, I have given up. Just that "I fear and I hope".

Jeff said...

Shan wrote:

One really must throw their heart out in full when they are in love don't they... But, what if the other person is simply playing you and you don't know it? That is a dilemma, or rather a serious question we all must have pondered sometimes.

This is a dilemma that your heart can't win unless it just happens to work out. You try to hold back your heart, but if you FEEL it, you are going to obsess until you give it all up anyway. If you have control over that internally, you are a bigger man than I am. ;)

Shan said...

Your answer is indeed correct as I ponder over it. In that scenario, we have no choice but to give everything. More so because we don't know it.

So what if I rephrase my question as follows changing the "don't know " part to "do know":

What if you know that it is going to likely end up in disappointment yet something mysterious (love?) force you to continue?

What do you do in this case? I emphasis that one knows.

I look forward towards your answer.

Amel's Realm said...


I did that once. I gave and gave with all my heart even though I knew he didn't feel that deeply about me. He was the first man who said outright that I was sexy and so pretty (yeah, a teenage me had self-image problems back then so I was flattered by his attention). So I gave and gave but he wouldn't cross the bridge. He wouldn't meet me halfway.

In the end my love tank went empty by itself and I decided to break up with him. It felt SO sad at that time. I mourned for a few weeks, but then I got over him anyway. I even found myself and my confidence in that process. I decided (after the bad experience with him) that I would NEVER lower my standards for anyone and that if a guy REALLY loves me, he'd meet me halfway.

Well, I guess again it comes to what you can learn about the bad experiences as well. Hopefully you'll grow stronger, wiser and not become a bitter person.

Funny thing was that not long after I broke up with him, after I decided not to lower my standards, I met my husband...well, we got closer and closer...this time I was more cautious, of course...I wanted to know how far he'd go for me, whether he'd meet me halfway or not, whether he'd understand my standards...but the heart can and does love again, especially when it meets its match. :-))))

Amel's Realm said...

Oh, one last thing...

So I feel GRATEFUL for the bad relationship with him in the end, as it taught me more things about myself and what I want/need in my life when it comes to a relationship. I can also share my experience with my friends so that they won't make the same mistake.

t3mpt2ess moon said...

Shan you owe me tea. Your treat remember. I'm gonna hold you to it.

Amel's Realm said...

Oh, one other thing. LOL! Pardon my long message here he he...

My stupidest mistake back then was expecting him to change for me. I kept on waiting, hoping he'd meet me halfway. WRONG!!!

Well, he was my first boyfriend, so back then I thought to myself when he showed that he was attracted to me, "Well, why not?" even though I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with him. He was TOO different from me and WAY too old for me. I guess it was one of his tricks, too...flattering me as he was MUCH older than me, so he knew what my weak spots were he he he...

Gladly it was all in the PAST!!!!!!! OK, enough babbling. :-)))

Amel's Realm said...

Oh, in case you wonder why it took me only a few weeks (or maybe a month or 1,5 months only) to get over the guy...well, maybe it's because by breaking up with him, I got to know myself more rather than losing myself in the process. I know sometimes that if a relationship ends, it'll make you feel confused about your own self-worth and all that (you start to wonder where you go wrong and all that)...but in my case it was the other way around. I guess that was what made it "easier" for me to get over the guy.

Shan said...

Amelia: As I sit here waiting for my exam and reading your kind posts, I began to think...

Maybe it is better to just give up because there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel... Yet I am still at a loss because I just don't know for sure what will happen. Maybe hope is greater than fear and it is after all, better to hope than fear because hope can bring so much more. Or is it the reverse? What do you think?

Miss Moon: I'll dress up in my best suit for you haha.

Amel's Realm said...

Give up on what, exactly?

Btw, wish you ALL the BEST for your exams. Exams can make you feel so nervous indeed. It's been a LONG time since I last had an exam. Oh well...

Nobody can know for sure what'll happen (unless maybe if you're a psychic???), but that's the beauty of life, isn't it? That's also a source of frustration he he...LOL!!!

But yeah, hope is MUCH better than fear. If you don't risk anything, you'll be safe, but you won't gain anything either. But fear doesn't mean you're a coward. A brave person is the person who stares fear in the eye and keeps on charging on, right? I think fear has its own merit in our lives, to make us more cautious/wise, etc.

I think the world needs more love and hope anyway. :-))))

Shan said...

hahaha, ah god, I don't know what to do anymore...

I gotta get the exams off my head so I can think.

Man, uni is such a damned waste of time!

As for human resource theories, ah god, just how much can a person take?!@

Crazy life!!

Amel's Realm said...

Btw, there's NOTHING wrong if you want to try to figure out things. It's FUN and it's good for your brain. To find out how far it can reach. And it's good when you get comments as they expand your brain, too.

So DON'T quit trying to figure out things he he he...but don't be too hard on yourself either. If I get confused in my own entangled web of thoughts, I never push myself to find the "ideal/best" way/conclusion...sometimes only time can tell what's best for me. Sometimes what's best for someone else isn't suitable for us. So just keep having fun with your mind!

Amel's Realm said...

He he he...take it easy, Shan. :-)))

Just focus on your exams first. :-))) I'll be waiting for more intriguing posts he he he...

Shan said...

hehe I will thanks for your kind words!

I just remembered something:

If I do things honestly, ethically and persistantly, I won't have regrets even if I fail. At least I won't be disappointed at what may have been!

Michelle said...

Good luck with your exams, Shan!

How much heart to give? I don't think I've ever had control of how much of my heart I give. I've been hurt by friends and in romance, but ultimately the biggest hurt came from me - from my refusing to really see the situation, or the person. From my refusing to let go when I knew a relationship really wasn't good for me and yet I still wanted to think I could change that.

So mostly I'd say we hurt ourselves by expecting too much, or demanding the other person to be who we think they should be. Let go of expectations and giving your heart doesn't hurt anymore.

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