Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Disillusionment

So I sit here, 2 AM in the morning thinking.

Finally, I found some time to read the wonderful blogs of my blogging associates. As I read each one carefully, I realise just how diverse but similar we are in our thought patterns... Similarly, a pattern emerged for me...

My friend DP for example, blogged about his Resident Evil experiences. On another hand, Amel blogged about some of the wonderful things that recently happened in her life. Zhu decided to focus on her past travel experiences while Max likewise focused on her husband and her experience of being married. Jeff did his NEWSFLASH while to round things off, Michelle posted a beautiful video.

We are different in the areas we blog but what we ultimately do is that we blog our experiences. We write down our experiences for others to see, to comment and perhaps, to understand.

Me? I do the same. Well, most of the times. Today, I am going to blog about my disillusionment with the female species. The topic? Betrayal of trust. It seems everything I see these days have a degree of betrayal in them. I recently watched the movie "Minority Report" where the guy stabs his wife or wanted to for sleeping with a stranger. That kind of capped off everything I have heard and in a weird way, experienced.

Help me here because I don't understand. Why do people betray the trust of others? If you can't be honest, then be fucking straight and make the point clear: "I can't be honest with you". It's not hard. You know what the conclusion I came down to? A fucking lack of moral ethics and a poor damned upbringing. It's true, not everyone is created equal but for christ sake, have a code of honor is not so hard to follow is it?

I recently read what Jeff wrote about disillusionment. You give someone your trust, you expect it to be betrayed. I came to summarize it as: Trust is there to be betrayed. You know, these days, I am turning into a major cynic or rather, pessimistic person. I can't help it, the human race and the experience of growing up and associating with people is making me turn into that. It's absolutely true what an old Chinese adage went: By nature, all men (and women) is good.

But we are corrupted by the people we associate with, the environment we live in and the things we see and hear. Under such adversity, we simply can't stand the tide but turn in the corrupt things we want to repel. Disillusionment with the female species is kind of turning me into someone who can't uphold what he swore to never do. Associating with people who reinforce that disillusionment doesn't help.

What is the solution? Find people who can help you turn that tide. But that is a little catch 22 isn't it? You would still trust people to help you but what if they betray you? Ahhhh...

What's the solution? We trust ourselves? We betray others before they can betray us? We hurt them first? We put up a shield that no one can get through fully? It's an endless circle of riddles...

The only answer I came to was trust the mind and it's values and beliefs over the heart under all situations. Analyse situations and factors in your position and the position of the other person. Make a judgment and follow that judgment. That way, any betrayal of trust will likely be anticipated and if not, have less impact on yourself.

But let me know YOUR solution. DO you have a solution that will resolve this kind of dilemma?

Until next time, I hope you are resting well and not thinking too much like me because frankly, I am tired. Enjoy life...

13 comments:

Amel's Realm said...

I can understand your anger and cynicism. IMO it's just a phase of healing.

When it comes to trust, in the end you'll definitely trust somebody again 'coz it's how life is. Otherwise I can't even imagine how you'll go through life. Trusting people is a HUGE risk indeed, but it's a risk worth taking. Maybe you don't feel that way now, but I'm pretty sure someday you'll feel ready to trust again. Maybe you'll just be more careful in selecting the people you think you can trust or the people you associate with.

Trust me, when the right person comes, no matter how high your walls are, they'll ALL crumble down bit by bit or even at once. That's what love is for.

Again I think I'm a bit lucky in this trust dept. so I can't share too many experiences.

Why do people betray other people? Hmmm...I guess 'coz there are possibilities to do it and then they choose to seize the possibilities for whatever reason (or lack of reason, they just carry on an impulse).

Trust is a tricky subject indeed. You don't wanna get hurt, but you can't get anywhere "far" if you trust nobody. In the end, I believe that even if somebody betrays our trust, we're given the strength to experience that "trial" and there'll always be a great source of enlightenment at the end of this "shitty" tunnel and hopefully we'll become wiser and not bitter through the whole process. That's what I believe in. ;-D

Take it easy, Shan!!! You should rest more to get a fresh mind.

Zhu said...

Take it easy Shan, the world is a nice place... it all depends on your state of mind :)

Trust is a good value and it's too bad some people don't believe in it. We've all feel betrayed sometimes... time heals a lot of things.

Max said...

Hi Shan!

Very interesting...
There are several types of dishonesty: the type that is done on purpose (for diplomatic, strategic, planning reasons); the one due to immoral and ammoral up-bringing; the one that is used as some kind of protection; and etc...

I accept dishonesty for strategic, diplomatic and planning purposes; cause after all one can show one's game to the opponent. For protection purposes, I can also accept and understand...
But dishonesty as a result of immoral up-bringing: nope; this type I don't accept! I think we have always ways of aprehending things from other people outside the family environment. This is not an excuse to be untrue "oh, I can't be honest, cause my family didn't teach me how!"...absurd! So, I agree with you: please follow an honour code! If your family doesn't provide you with one, look around, the world is full of good examples!

Me, I used to tell the truth on people's face; and the result was catastrophic!! I found out that people like to be lied to *shrugging*! Few are those who like the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (and I am the type of person who tells the truth in a very delicate way...still...)!

I don't think you're becoming pessimistic; you're just going thru a bad phase (it happens to us all, believe me)! I am not pessimistic, and yet I think that if I trust somebody, eventually that person will disappoint me! It is a question of believing in the pole theory: ying/yang, truth/lie, light/darkness, trust/mistrust, good/bad, etc....!
Now the question is: what causes disappointment in you? Or in me? Different things, I bet. What's betrayal to you? Does it mean the same to me or even to the next person? Maybe, maybe not...depending on your state of mind and the situation at hand!

I don't think that there's a formula to help you cope with betrayal. And stop trusting people isn't the answer, really...so what can one do? Continue to give people a chance, and pay attention to the signs!
When one is betrayed, one must learn from that experience; and use that apprehension for next time...as I said: look for the signs! But move on, for heaven's sake...move on!!!

I give people one chance: if I see that sparkling sign over their head; I'll watch them putting the rope around their neck...and then leave! Cause once that sign is there...

Shan, just smile, man!!! Just accept humans the way they are; and protect yourself; that's all :)!

Cheers!

Deadpoolite said...

If trust was 100% failproof then this would have been a perfect world. Guess what though... it aint!

That doesnt mean you should not trust people per se though, that is just nihillistic and stupid.

There is no way to prevent your trust being betrayed again in the future. And truth be told if you dont get the proverbial "slaps on the face" in that respect you'll never get better as a person and learn how to adapt to life's challenges. As cliched as it may sound time is the only true teacher on how to handle situations of mistrust and betrayal more expertly as years go by.

Being betrayed isnt becoming any easier to swallow but it does have less and less of a lasting effect as you grow older. You 've done it all before and you got the T-shirt to prove it so to speak:)

Cynicism from such a young age is not an option I would suggest. It will only make you a bitter individual, a mirror image of what you hate in another person.

Anyhow, give it a bit of time and dont be too hard on yourself. Focus on more 'trivial' things and let time act its healing magic. It does pass by quite fast dude so live every moment instead of constantly worrying about the next.

Ok, philosophy mode off, wacky mode on once again. DP to the rescue and all that:)

Have a great month and stop torturing yourself (besides I can do it much better to you so if you are up for it you might as well entrust the services of a PRO, LOL!)

DP out!

Jeff said...

I am glad you wrote about this because you gave a rather meaningful feedback in my blog and I wanted the opportunity to explore it with you further.

disillusionment - the state of being free from illusion; disenchantment.

Disillusionment is a GOOD thing. It is realizing that people are imperfect, therefore can't be trusted. If you think betrayal is reserved only for the female of the species, I can say that males have the same sickness. However, it does sound like we have the same kind of experience so I know where you are coming from.

It is interesting that we have come to the same conclusion: people can't be trusted, but have differing outlooks on it. You are becoming more and more cynical and I have found peace with it.

I think it is the difference in our spiritual makeup. You quote an old Chinese adage, "By nature, all men (and women) is good." I come from the stand point Oswald Chambers, quoted on my blog, ". . . , but the disillusionment which comes from God brings us to the place where we see men and women as they really are, and yet there is no cynicism, we have no stinging, bitter things to say. Many of the cruel things in life spring from the fact that we suffer from illusions."

Right off, you should see the red flag with the bad grammar from your quote. ;) Seriously, coming from a Christian perspective, God unveils the illusion that people are basically good. If you think that people are good, when they betray you, it hurts more and causes bitterness. However, when you come to realize that we are in a fallen world, you can understand how and why we get betrayed and have peace with it - knowing that despite that we feel we would never betray another, it is still in us to do so. Only by the grace of God are we not constantly betraying, lying and stealing.

Shinade said...

Hi Shan, after visiting Amel's site I just had to come read your post. I have been where you are at...please know it is a good place to be. It simply means that you are waking up and starting to truly seek for answers....you are no longer walking around with blinders on...following and beleiving in something simply because you were taught to. God is working in your life. Everyone always assumes that when God begins to do his work that everything will be glorious and harmonious and full of lovely wonderful miracles. I have not found this to be so. Giving birth is one of the most wonderful and glorious event anyone can imagine...and it's also one of the most painful. So welcome to the world of God moving around the furniture in your brain and your reasoning....don't fight it...keep it simple....trust your intuition and your heart...he's there. God Bless~Jackie

Shan said...

Long delay people, it's not that I havn't checked my blog, it's that everytime I check, it's around 5am in the morning when I am preparing to go to work...

Amel: Indeed, I concur with your first and second point. It is a phase of healing and if I meet the right person, it will crumble. But I will heed your words. If I trust, I will be prepared to be betrayed.

Zhu: Thanks :)

Max: I will follow my code. What others do I will try to ignore and still do what I do otherwise what's the point of being me? But I will learn from all my mistakes and grow from them. Thanks and I will smile :)

DP: haha, I wish I could become less cynical but the world changes one I think. I will try to focus on the trivial things. Too much other stuff to do :)

Jeff: Very philosophical. I think my issues are of a less degree than yours, mine is just part of the growth one experience from youth of maturity. Therefore I can't compare our experiences as closely but I am glad you can feel that way. One day, I will probably find peace... to an extent of course. I understand your words and I will keep them in mind.

Shinade: mmm, a new face, I welcome you :) And thanks to Amel. It's a good place indeed, to an extent. I am recently finding a good degree of quietness and tranquility and I am loving it. Personally, I would trust my mind and instinct over my heart though, one day my mind will betray me as well but I am happy until that day :)

Thank YOU all for your diligence in your comments. I totally your kindness and thoughtfulness in your replies. The amount of time spent typing is something I will treasure. When I get a chance, I will do the same and make some updates. Regards and best wishes from me.

Shan.

Amel's Realm said...

Glad to see you back, Shan...yeah, you're right, when you're too tired, just go to bed and rest 'coz you need energy to study and also to work.

I just wanna say that I used to be an idealist myself...but over the years I've chosen to be more pragmatic. It helps in getting rid of the cynicism he he he...And hell, I used to be SOOOOOOO cynical that you won't believe it was me!!! But I decided to fight it off...it's still a latent enemy of mine, though, but I'll NEVER give up fighting it. ;-D

princess said...

A friend of mine very recently said something to me. He said you can control everything except your heart, therefore you must always follow your mind rather than your heart. I've always believed the opposite, that you should always follow your heart, but there was just something about his logic that made me question myself. I was amazed that a boy of 17 could be so wise.
So I think that when it comes to trust, follow what your mind tells you to do.

Michelle said...

I was on a spiritual website once where a woman was going on about how a lack of trust = a lack of faith. Another person had replied - "I trust. I trust in the laws of Nature, that God created. So I trust that a lamb will be a lamb, and a snake will be a snake."

Some people are born snakes - no offense to lovely chinese astrology Snake year people intended!

Personally I'd say - trust your instincts first, then trust people to be what they are.. and be ready to forgive them for what they are.

A snake doesn't choose to be poisonous and dangerous. It was born that way. Some people are like that. They don't mean to hurt you, they just are what they are.

Another thought you might consider interesting:
You could also look at why you draw certain types of females to you.

Psychologists say that we do tend to set up repeat patterns in our lives without realising it. Like the pessimist who unconsciously makes life choices guaranteed to fail.. and then bewails how unlucky he/she is.

I knew a woman who kept dumping her boyfriends for being untrustworthy and then picking guys EXACTLY the same as the first guy! The truth was that she feared commitment and didn't want to get married - so she kept picking guys that were completely "unmarry-able". That way it she could blame them for the fact she was single instead of admitting to herself she didn't want to marry.

She eventually figured it out in her 50s and now she is a very happy single woman who no longer tries to date jerks.

Amel's Realm said...

I agree completely with Michelle about patterns. We do invite certain people in our lives and I've seen that in some of my friends' lives as well. :-)))))

Shan said...

Amel: mmm, I'll take that into consideration of course. I'll try my best to fight off some of the cynicism but maybe it's just my nature :)

Princess: Yeah well, good for him. I kind of knew that a long time ago :D

Thanks for the advice though :)

Mich: True, I'll think about that. Indeed, we do that often don't we? :)

Amel's Realm said...

I believe in choices still no matter what. We may have so many latent enemies but in the end it's our choice that matters...do we let the enemies win or not? Sometimes we do fail, but again it's up to our own choices...do we choose to let ourselves be drowned in the sea of failure (cynicism or whatever) or do we get up and leave it behind?