Firstly I had work. Secondly I had dinner at a Korean restaurant with a beautiful lady in green.
Yet throughout the entire evening, I did not feel like myself. I have no words to describe my feelings... It's a mixture of regret, discomfort and emptiness I think...
I have no idea why: The company was fabulous, the night was cool and comforting and so was the food. Yet I am unable to show my true self, the perhaps happy and exciting side. The witty side.
A friend once told me that it's because I am nervous, afraid of doing something wrong and in a way, it is true though consciously I did not feel this way.
Things I have said and done tonight was ... well rude in hindsight. I realise I do these things to protect my fragile innerself, to protect my own insecurity. The friend wants a cheerful company and I was unable to provide 100%, maybe just 70%... I feel regrettable about this and in many ways sorry.
Ahhh it seems I have difficulty in stopping this... it's quite difficult... The only good solution I can think of is think well before I talk and be more withheld. Yet somehow, I think I'll still end up feeling empty...
For now, I'll do my best in being more careful with my words. That is, if I have nothing good to say, don't say anything.
You know, it's funny that in hindsight, I was never like this before with this lady. It's been only in the recent times I have turned this way. My mind, it's damned interesting...
Lady in green, if you are reading this, I promise you I'll do my utmost to be myself and as a better company next time!
Thanks for listening me rant everyone, please feel free to offer advices, comments or the occasional abuse lol. They say we grow through suffering, how damned true it is hahaha!
See you all soon!