Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Not Myself...

Today has been interesting...

Firstly I had work. Secondly I had dinner at a Korean restaurant with a beautiful lady in green.

Yet throughout the entire evening, I did not feel like myself. I have no words to describe my feelings... It's a mixture of regret, discomfort and emptiness I think...

I have no idea why: The company was fabulous, the night was cool and comforting and so was the food. Yet I am unable to show my true self, the perhaps happy and exciting side. The witty side.

A friend once told me that it's because I am nervous, afraid of doing something wrong and in a way, it is true though consciously I did not feel this way.

Things I have said and done tonight was ... well rude in hindsight. I realise I do these things to protect my fragile innerself, to protect my own insecurity. The friend wants a cheerful company and I was unable to provide 100%, maybe just 70%... I feel regrettable about this and in many ways sorry.

I just came to a sudden realisation that it's a defence mechanism exhibited by my mind. To hurt and to attack before I get hurt or attacked. I can't believe I didn't realise this earlier, it's been so obvious...

Ahhh it seems I have difficulty in stopping this... it's quite difficult... The only good solution I can think of is think well before I talk and be more withheld. Yet somehow, I think I'll still end up feeling empty...

For now, I'll do my best in being more careful with my words. That is, if I have nothing good to say, don't say anything.

You know, it's funny that in hindsight, I was never like this before with this lady. It's been only in the recent times I have turned this way. My mind, it's damned interesting...

Lady in green, if you are reading this, I promise you I'll do my utmost to be myself and as a better company next time!

Thanks for listening me rant everyone, please feel free to offer advices, comments or the occasional abuse lol. They say we grow through suffering, how damned true it is hahaha!

See you all soon!

Shan.

10 comments:

Amel's Realm said...

Ahhhh...I guess we need time to let go of our self-defense mechanism, to let the guard down a bit.

I never had real dates (just once), so I can't give any advice. I just hope that you'll find the best way out for yourself...maybe time will tell or more experiences...or more insight about what to do.

Take it easy, Shan and GOOD LUCK!!!

Zhu said...

Maybe it was her ? It you're weren't 100% comfortable, it could have been... so people let us show potential, some don't. ;)

choc mint girl said...

Hi, Shan! I’m not an expert (he-he), but I’d like to share something with you here.

When I first went out with my ex, I barely knew him at all. I was new at my workplace, and it’s been a few months my girl friend who’s happened to be in the same department with him kept telling me that this guy would like to get to know me...So, one day when I hung out with my other friends, he was there. So, we talked and he asked me out. I was like, “okay, maybe I should just go out and see what happens...” On our first date, I wasn’t feeling nervous, and what I didn’t like most I was trying to say and do everything perfect. I wasn’t being myself because I was pretending. Fast forward, he liked me...I liked him, we became couple. Even though I have someone by my side, but still I could feel the emptiness inside me...

Then, I went out with this one guy who was so charming. We became attracted to each other, physically and mentally. Everything we do is like chemistry...I was nervous whenever he’s around. I could feel the sparks between us and the best part of it I could just be myself. I’d say whatever I wanted to say...We were very open...With him, I could be so wild (ha-ha)...He fulfilled my life. There was so much love...

Then, it made me think about my relationship with my ex...We always had a fight, always trying to work our relationship out, always ended up crying...we had no communication at all. I was fed up with the whole situation and when I broke up with him, I didn’t feel sad but relieve...

I hope this will help. Love is full of mystery and misery. Don’t plan it out...just be yourself. You’ll know from your heart whether the girl is the one or not...it will happen so naturally.

Have fun!!

Amel's Realm said...

Yes, I agree with Choc Mint Girl, the best partner for you is the one who makes you feel natural when you're with the person (I know there are at least a few of those kinds of people in everybody's lives - on the contrary, there are always people who can easily push your buttons the wrong way).

Of course when you're nervous, you might not be yourself he he he...Ahhh...experiences, experiences...

Deadpoolite said...

When you typed in 'or the occassional abuse' you practically invited me to comment didnt ya?

LOL!


As you grow older you'll be better at handling this or you wont care as much trust me:)


Anyway, Lady in Green I am a guy in Red and I am available (besides we would look great together in our Red/Green combination of sorts).

Wait a minute... did I say that out loud...oh how inconsiderate of me not thinking of the feelings of my friend Shan, LOL!

Take care Shan, talk to ya later!

Max said...

Hey Shan!

Wow...so you are one of those, huh? I had heard of men like you...
Being insecure, and fragile is quite alright, Shan! Society teaches men that they should conceal they fragility and insecurities. But I tell you that that's just bullshity (pardon my french).
Of course I also thought that you were feeling uncomfortable because you are in love with this lady in green, and didn't know how to behave lol!
Maybe you are in love with her....

Cheers!

Monday Morning Power said...

What many of us do not realize is that when we "don't feel like ourselves" we are actually experiencing a different part of ourselves. In other words, everything that we do is ourselves. Maybe what you experienced was a part of you that was simply uncomfortable for you to accept. This may seem a little harsh but you have to accept that feeling as part of you in order to get back to the more comfortable part of you. I hope this makes sense.

Shan said...

Amel: Very true. But it seems to be this may not be a guard, but in fact a part of myself that rears its ugly head :P

I guess only time will tell

Zhu: You know, you words really hit something when I read it. I have always thought of that.

If I am unable to bring the best out of a girl, then I am probably not worthy of her.

Of course, I think the exact opposite applies...

Choc Mint Girl: Indeed, your words are good advice. Be natural or rather be myself. A bit cliche but I think it's a true and tried formula that works..

DP: Ahahaha, you wacko!

I can't wait to get to the stage where I don't care about these things.

But I'll take your word and see how I go over time. They say practise makes perfect and using that as an analogy, quite interesting hahahaha!

Max: Interesting, I have threw a few thoughts along the way you are thinking. Perhaps it is but if it is, I don't think it's a good one hahahaha! It's not natural.

But we are just friends, nothing more. I think everyone is reading into this a bit too much... Not that it's a bad thing since it provides me with more advice to think about hahaha!

Monday Morning Power: It does in an interesting way.

But to accept is perhaps not good. I will try to find some way around it or negate it.

But you are perhaps right, it is something I can't negate or forget...

Ahhh well, the dilemmas of life!

Thanks for all the kind words Ladies and Gents!

Don't read too much into what I write haha!

Shan!

Amel's Realm said...

Eh? So you're only friends with her (not wanting more)? Then I wondered why...perhaps you were just in an "off" mood? Sometimes it happens, right? He he he...

If you lack sleep, then you may not be able to be your total self IMO.

Shan said...

Tell you the truth, I seen the reality and I don't think I like it.

Therefore I'm not going to pursue after something I can't see that isn't hopeful.

I won't get it either so no point chasing the elusive unicorn :P

The only that'll end up being horned is me haha!