Friday, November 2, 2007


Today, I want to have a look at the topic of insecurity, and apply it in particular to myself... A self reflection exercise if you may...

I have realised that these days, I am growing more and more focused on my looks and how I dress and no matter how well I dress, it takes alot of convincing in the mirror to say "yep, you look good". Of course, past experiences has not helped me with resolving this issue either.

So I figured that this arose out of insecurity about myself and I thought, when will I grow out of this? I liked my old self, where I actually thought about life rather than look at mirrors and how others dress. I feel... inferior and crude...

Insecurity is defined by Wikipedia as "a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless"

Sounds very much like me haha, except I have somewhat perfected an outer exterior or "Cool, Calmness and Collected" - Something that I am proud of but something I want to be more true than just a shield...

So in an attempt to somehow help myself, I looked in various places and bought myself a book called The Freud Reader - yeah, the one and only Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis. It's a thick book that details his various essays and I have yet to make a decent progress on it.

But I have stumbled something shorter and more concise in Wikipedia (don't you just love Wikipedia? If one can absorb all it's information, man, imagine what the person will be like!). The thing I stumbled was called Erikson's stages of psychosocial development - Very informative, go have a look!

So, as I read, I figured I have mastered my earlier childhood well.

The first stage question (Birth to 18 months): Where the fuck am I? :P

I am in China, Beijing, proud 3000 years old civilization that contributed to the world the four amazing inventions of papermaking, gunpowder, compass and printing.

The second stage: (1.5 to 3 years): Do I need help from others or not?

I am not sure what I figured when I was 3 years old but today, I realise I need help from others. We all need help from others, united we stand, divided we fall.

The third stage: 3-6 years: How moral am I?

I feel I have strong morals. I have set ideals on what I should and should not do and I have enough self-will to ensure that I carry these out.

The fourth stage: 7-12: Am I good at what I do?

Am I? What am I good at? I am good at nothing. I have no particular skills that I can fall back on, no natural gifts except my mind. I think and I do. That is all I have.

The fifth stage: 12-18: "Who am I, and what is my goal in life?"

Here is a stage that I have yet to complete successfully. I don't know who I am nor what is my goal in life. As a kid, I always wanted to be a businessman, grow rich, be tactit, diplomatic and resourceful in earning alot of money. I want to have mistresses and succeed in life by have money and power. Yet, I am at a stage of my life where I am questioning this. Just who am I and what do I really want out of life? Am I a such dangerous manipulative person who can be very rich or am I just a simple person who is somewhat intelligent, enough to be modest and well off in this life. I need to work on this.

Ok, the rest stages is too complex and I need to truly understand it further so I have bought the book: The Life Cycle Completed: A Review

Go read it, it sounds interesting.

In wrapping up, what has been my point?

y point is that I have yet to discover the source of my insecurity and I need to look further into the area of psychology and understand myself better to progress in life.

My point was to inform you all of the topic of insecurity. Many of you may sometimes, just sometimes, sit there and wonder who you are, what you are doing and just exactly what is wrong with your life. Well, it's time to go on a journey to discover yourself and help yourself avoid the impact of a mid-life crisis.

Until next time, adios amigos!

P.S. Here are the photos :D

Guess Wally! If you can't, count three from the left :)

The room in a minute silence for the decease Chinese girl, Jiao Dan

The party about to get underway!!

Yeah, hot "Indian" dancing girls". Nooo, they're not Indian, they're Chinese. The photos don't do them justice, they're prettier :D

My co-hosts: Cute? Pretty? You Decide...

I am the one in the yellow shirt practising our speech.

Dinner, I think blue suits me...


Michelle said...

Ok... I so hate doing this... but I gotta do the age thing (lol)

Insecurity gets less as you get older.

When I was a teenager/early 20s I thought I was so ugly. Then when I was in my 30s I looked at my old photos and thought "Oh... my.. G*D!! How did I never notice how pretty I was???"

If you can learn to add wisdom to your list of obvious intellectual talents you'll stop looking into the mirror (or photos) subjectively and start looking objectively.

If not.. you'll get older and look back one day and realise you were everything you wanted to be, but just to subjectively involved in your own self-image to see the truth in front of you in the mirror. ;-)

Argh! I've admitted to being old. ROFLM(old)AO!


Max said...

Hey Shan,

This is a very interesting post; and I loved the fact that you mentioned Freud (I fell in love with his work when I was about your age, exactly)! is a phase through which we all go, at a certain point of our lives. Of course there are those who are insecure all their lives (they get stuck somewhere along the development stage), and others sublime it.

You are still young, and they say that 19 years old is the perfect age to ask questions about ourselves, to have doubts, to start planning, etc...however, my friend, I have news for you: leave all that self-analysis for when you become 25 (until then study, and have lots of fun)! For example, you say that you have strong morals, but you are planning to have mistresses...see what I mean? Your hormones are at your uttmost, and then at 25 years old, re-think this issue :).

I still remember when I was 19: I had strong morals, but I wanted to have babies from 4 different men (from 4 different races, with no marriage)...I wasn't thinking, my hormones were. Today, if you ask me what I think of this, I'll tell you "No way! I am going to get married, have my kids, and teach them the best I can by setting the example..." (see the difference?).

You say that you don't have any skills...that's what you think now! In a while you will find out what you're good at (apart from seducing the ladies lol); it will come to you slowly; just be patient :)!
Besides it seems to me that you already have a skill: you think! And that is the greatest gift of them all *bowing*!

You do know who you are: you are a 19 years old young man, who is studying, blogging, who hosts dinner-parties, works, engages in several activities, and thinks more for his age, than many grown-ups :).
Take it easy, still have a lot of time to find out what you want to be, to do (exactly), and whom to love :).

Boy, you look good! I am a great fan of class, and image; and I can tell you that you look good :)! You look good and accept it lol!
Blue suits you, indeed!

Nice pics :)!


Shan said...

Mich: lol, I totally agree with that. As we grow older, we do grow confident of who we are.

As for you Mich, I have to to realise also in recent times that old age comes from the heart. If you think you are young, to others you will portray an aura of youth. I think it works :D so don't feel old!!

Max: Hahaha, you make me laugh bad! I couldn't help smiling and bursting into laughter as I read your comments in particular your ideals of have babies with 4 different men hahaha! Is that really true? If so, I think that's very admirable :P

But thanks heaps for the words of re-assurances, I'm sure in time, I'll discover my true self!

And yeah, I like blue :P

Deadpoolite said...

I am not one for lengthy answers on such matters (actually I am not one for ANY answers but who cares,lol).

I think you are thinking way ahead of your years which sometimes is good for planning ahead but sometimes it becomes an unnecessary burden for someone so young ( I know I used to be like that and look what I have become , a wacky Merc spreading lunacy to the

It is funny you are like twenty and you say "the mirror is not my best friend":) Give it a decade or more and there will be no mirror left in the house trust me, LOL! (just joking)

Always nice to hear from you and the chinese girls in the pictures rock!

Take care!

Amel's Realm said...

Hi, Shan!!!

I think your co-hosts are pretty cute! ;-D

I agree with Michelle that insecurity gets less as you get older.

I guess all of this is just a process in life and I must say: JUST ENJOY every stage of life. I always find enlightenment when I'm confused so I think I learn more when I'm confused.

Michelle, you are NOT OLD at all he he he he...You still look HOT, but most of all, I LOVE your soul! ;-D

But from my POV, you're a CUTE guy with dimples, too...that's a you're a determined young man/ that's another plus he he you've already told me earlier that you want to make your woman happy (I know this is off topic), but it's another BIG plus he he he he...

Enjoy life and its confusions, Shan he he he he...

Zhu said...

I like your description of the many stages we all go through... I sometime still think I'm stuck in the "who the fuck am I" ! Even though I'm now 24...

Insecurity comes and go. We have all been there, and it never totally disappear. But you learn how to be more realistic and to know your strengths and your weaknesses as you get older.

But your life can't possibly be that bad with some pretty girls around you ;)

Shan said...

DP: lol, lengthy answers are the best though. I want your opinions :D

Nonetheless, thanks for your wise words, it is most appreciated. Sometimes, I can't help but think ahead...

Amel: You are always so kind, always one to praise hahaha! It's good to have such praise from a most charming and beautiful lady as yourself!

Zhu: lol, I wish it was my description. It's highly theoretical but provides somekind of analogy that we can use I guess.. But you're right, life is ok with these pretty girls :P

Amel's Realm said...

Well, Shan, I'm only telling the truth about you. ;-D