I have realised that these days, I am growing more and more focused on my looks and how I dress and no matter how well I dress, it takes alot of convincing in the mirror to say "yep, you look good". Of course, past experiences has not helped me with resolving this issue either.
So I figured that this arose out of insecurity about myself and I thought, when will I grow out of this? I liked my old self, where I actually thought about life rather than look at mirrors and how others dress. I feel... inferior and crude...
Insecurity is defined by Wikipedia as "a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless"
Sounds very much like me haha, except I have somewhat perfected an outer exterior or "Cool, Calmness and Collected" - Something that I am proud of but something I want to be more true than just a shield...
So in an attempt to somehow help myself, I looked in various places and bought myself a book called The Freud Reader - yeah, the one and only Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis. It's a thick book that details his various essays and I have yet to make a decent progress on it.
But I have stumbled something shorter and more concise in Wikipedia (don't you just love Wikipedia? If one can absorb all it's information, man, imagine what the person will be like!). The thing I stumbled was called Erikson's stages of psychosocial development - Very informative, go have a look!
So, as I read, I figured I have mastered my earlier childhood well.
The first stage question (Birth to 18 months): Where the fuck am I? :P
I am in China, Beijing, proud 3000 years old civilization that contributed to the world the four amazing inventions of papermaking, gunpowder, compass and printing.
The second stage: (1.5 to 3 years): Do I need help from others or not?
I am not sure what I figured when I was 3 years old but today, I realise I need help from others. We all need help from others, united we stand, divided we fall.
The third stage: 3-6 years: How moral am I?
I feel I have strong morals. I have set ideals on what I should and should not do and I have enough self-will to ensure that I carry these out.
The fourth stage: 7-12: Am I good at what I do?
Am I? What am I good at? I am good at nothing. I have no particular skills that I can fall back on, no natural gifts except my mind. I think and I do. That is all I have.
The fifth stage: 12-18: "Who am I, and what is my goal in life?"
Here is a stage that I have yet to complete successfully. I don't know who I am nor what is my goal in life. As a kid, I always wanted to be a businessman, grow rich, be tactit, diplomatic and resourceful in earning alot of money. I want to have mistresses and succeed in life by have money and power. Yet, I am at a stage of my life where I am questioning this. Just who am I and what do I really want out of life? Am I a such dangerous manipulative person who can be very rich or am I just a simple person who is somewhat intelligent, enough to be modest and well off in this life. I need to work on this.
Ok, the rest stages is too complex and I need to truly understand it further so I have bought the book: The Life Cycle Completed: A Review
Go read it, it sounds interesting.
In wrapping up, what has been my point?
y point is that I have yet to discover the source of my insecurity and I need to look further into the area of psychology and understand myself better to progress in life.
My point was to inform you all of the topic of insecurity. Many of you may sometimes, just sometimes, sit there and wonder who you are, what you are doing and just exactly what is wrong with your life. Well, it's time to go on a journey to discover yourself and help yourself avoid the impact of a mid-life crisis.
Until next time, adios amigos!
P.S. Here are the photos :D
The room in a minute silence for the decease Chinese girl, Jiao Dan
The party about to get underway!!
Yeah, hot "Indian" dancing girls". Nooo, they're not Indian, they're Chinese. The photos don't do them justice, they're prettier :D